Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Happy Thanksgiving
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Happy birthday to all the women
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.