‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
this… may be the greatest story ever told
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
And that about sums it up.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Florida man
Never let them know your next move 😂
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times