Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?