Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
You Might Also Like
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”