This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.