I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues