HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop