If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
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[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
*bites zombie*
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister