Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
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My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
#SaturdayBears
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.