me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
You Might Also Like
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
yes… yes…
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.