inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
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NASA has no chill
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.