Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I am, perchance
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Cha-ching is my safe word
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.