in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
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straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
We need more people like this.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE