DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?