We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.