Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I love wikipedia
I’d use my best pan on you.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter