just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
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Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My neck my back my allergy attack
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
How animals would run if they were human
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh