Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Nothing.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.