If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
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I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
My wedding will be open casket.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.