me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Something Saturday.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”