“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.