“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope