*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
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Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers