For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
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Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”