is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”