Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
They’re called werewolves.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Harsh but fair
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.