If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?