I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
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Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
United Steaks of America
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom