Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
oh my gosh!!
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
tinder is all about the long game
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
these two trucks have the same bed length
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
How can I say no to this ?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?