her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these