Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
live, laugh, laundry.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
How high do the levels go?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.