dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.