“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
You Might Also Like
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Good advice.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]