Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer