I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!