I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I’m calling the cops.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Eat…