Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The pasta is now
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Effort made
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week