Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
So true for me
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*