sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”