I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.