Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
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Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.