Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
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*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
This is what makes twitter great
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
WWE is French for “yes”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.