My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
#Caturday
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes