I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.