Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.