I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”