Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
can you read it!!??
maan!
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈