I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”