I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
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I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.