I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
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Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
No way!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.